So here I am again, almost a week since my last advert. Ladies of the audience I am a troll. I am 6ft tall, bright orange and quite stompy. I've almost certainly got hair longer than you and unlike most guys I know how to take care of it, so no worries about greasy hair.

As far as looks are concerned picture a viking, now make him orange as opposed to blonde. Now you're more or less picturing me. I do have pictures but most of them tend to be taken in clubs or at parties and other events where I'm drunk or being molested by the various miscreants that form my social circles, so they're a rather more accurate representation of my true self than the head and shoulder shots everyone else seems to have prepared.

Speaking of my true self, what is it I do? I'm a student so not very much. I'm presently job hunting with minimal success, I'm a bit poor so I don't tend to go out as often as I'd like, but I can always scramble a few quid when someone shouts those immortal words "Pub mission!."

Despite being a mythical creature known more for stomping than anything else I do have hidden talents. I'm a cook for one thing, I really enjoy cooking and I think I'm rather good at it, as does anyone else who has tried my cooking. I do occasionally make a chilli which is a little dangerous but hey, that's what chilli is for. I also mix drinks, being a bartender for 4 years tends to teach that skill, and I've got a bar in my room because there's no way I'd be caught dead without a steady supply of booze. I'm a singer when I'm not stuffing food or drink into my cavernous maw, I used to be the frontman of quite a famous local band in London until I moved. Finally I'm a writer too, I've written two half novels so far and a miniature anthology of poetry, not to mention a few hundred essays and short stories.

All in all I'm quite an accomplished troll, I don't live in a cave any more, nor do I spend time under bridges harassing goats, so compared to others of my ilk I'm pretty successful. I still can't find anyone else who appreciates these qualities quite as much as I do though.

In an ideal world the person who replies to this advert has had a wry smile on her face since the second paragraph, has a wicked sense of humour to match my own, enjoys alcohol and food, doesn't mind that I smoke (and have before now burst into flames) and quite enjoys music with instruments in it (guitars, violins, pianos, kazoos etc). If this is you then stop dithering and reply.

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