So I'm 6' tall, bright bloodknut ginger and have before now been mistaken for a Viking with a hangover. But what actually am I?

I'm a troll, like a person but a little more stompy. I'm also a writhing mass of contradictions so somewhere under all this hair there's probably a wounded child or something. I don't know, I can never get past the hair.

I have an utter inability to take anything serious, so if you're looking for someone deep and brooding I can recommend going elsewhere. I'm a comedian by nature with a wicked sense of humour and a nasty habit of telling inappropriate jokes with the worst possible timing.

I'm a troll wracked with vice, I drink but not to excess, I don't like falling over. I also smoke, but again not to excess, maybe 10 on a really bad day. I have been known to gamble, in fact some of the most interesting stories in my life involve losing bets.

Let's be brutally honest here: I'm not rich. I'm the opposite of rich. I'm a student. Well there goes another steaming great chunk of the audience. Oh well, gold diggers ain't my scene anyway.

Despite being a monstrous construct of flesh and vice I'm actually a thoroughly bloody nice chap (sources needed), I'm an almost perfect gentleman with manners that clearly telegraph that I'm English.

I don't know what else to say, I'm not excatly a model (though I was for a time when I was 18), I'm not an international playboy bachelor and I'm not the kind of guy who counts women as conquests. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for the dating game after all...

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